Embrace Your Mortality

How contemplating death can make your life richer

Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash

Living in denial of mortality does not eliminate the existential pain of our finitude. It makes it more painful—at least in the long run. This is because we are not taught to embrace our existence as finite and to use that reality as a means to find joy and meaning. I don’t have all the answers, but my life’s experiences have taught me denial and avoidance do not work. 

Death is the inescapable reality each of us faces. We may try to escape our mortality but we cannot avoid these most painful questions: What meaning is there in my life if it ceases when I die and all I have contributed is destined to be forgotten? How can I live with joy today, knowing all that is dear to me will be lost, including my very life? How do I embrace my limited life without spending it grieving my own death? 

There is no way around it. Every day, we get closer to death. As we get older, more and more of our acquaintances and loved ones die. We are surrounded by it, but we try to dull the pain by bathing in denial. 

I have written about impermanence before, but it is time to stare death directly in the face because too many of us pretend that it doesn’t exist despite its interminable presence in our lives. 

This became clear to me recently when a close friend developed a potentially lethal illness. He is only 40 and has young children. Considering the worst case scenario was heartbreaking, but the level of denial I encountered, and the people in whom I encountered it, surprised me. After 2 weeks of hospitalization in the foreign country where he fell ill, people in our community were still coming up to me saying things like, “he’s gonna be fine, right?” He was in the end, but his friends, family, and acquaintances couldn’t bear reckoning with the alternative. 

It’s difficult for people to consider mortality moment to moment or every day, but life has a way of waking us up periodically. We should use those opportunities when they are given to us, rather than blinding ourselves to what’s right in front of our eyes. Everyone knows that sometimes 40-year-olds with little kids die. It’s a tragedy, and we are fortunate to find ourselves in a moment in history when it’s uncommon, but when it’s staring us right in the face we should take the opportunities we can from it. 

So, here I was—a physician and friend—being asked to soothe people by helping them deny their mortality. I didn’t know what to do. I knew he would most likely recover based on his age and condition prior to his illness, but I also knew there was a chance things could go badly. The questioners did not want that answer though. They wanted me to reassure them that 40-year-olds don’t die. Of course, I couldn’t do that. 

The truth is, people—all of us—will die. Some of us will die at 90 and some of us will die at 80. And yes—some of us will die at 40. I know all too well that some die far too young. My mother died at 51, my brother at 13. I was 14 and 17, respectively, when I lost them. Death has felt like a constant companion.  

Why all this talk about death? Isn’t it morbid to focus on such things? This is where the avoidance comes in. It’s morbid, so let’s avoid it. I’m not suggesting we focus on it all the time. However, avoiding it completely does not contribute to a better, or even happier, life. And this is my thesis—acknowledging and sometimes concentrating on mortality can make your life richer and more fulfilling. 

On the most basic level, scarcity imbues value. If we were immortal, there would be no value to how we spend our time because anything we could do today could also be done tomorrow or the next day or in 10 years or 1,000. Our lives are valuable precisely because they are finite. What would push you to complete an important project or goal if you knew you had infinity to complete it? 

We think we could accomplish more with more time, but this is true only so long as we know that it’s limited. Dandapani, a famous spiritual teacher, focuses on the value of recognizing the finitude of life. “People say life is short,” he says, “but how can 70 or 80 years be short when a 2-hour traffic jam feels like a long time? Life is not short, but it is finite.” This little lesson teaches us about the value of our time. 

This brings me to relationships. By denying the possibility that our dear friend could die from his illness, my questioners were squandering the opportunity to appreciate the preciousness of the friendship. To feel how sad it would be to lose him tomorrow. To allow themselves to feel, even for a moment, what that loss would mean to them. Might they appreciate the friendship more? Might they connect more deeply if he returned home? 

Does the benefit of postponing the inevitable encounter with death outweigh the benefits of facing it head on? After all, there’s only so long one can delay the reckoning. Sooner or later we are all forced out of our denial, but the benefits of facing it sooner can include deeper, more meaningful relationships right now. 

One of the strangest things to me was that some of the people with the denial questions work in professions where their primary job is to help others through life’s challenges—teachers, mental health professionals, even spiritual professionals. How do they go about their work helping people develop themselves through this life if they can’t even contemplate mortality for a short time? How do they help people through an actual loss? I’m sure they do this well in their professional lives, but extending that to someone they know and love on a personal level was too much for them to bear. 

Death and loss are too painful for most of us to think about on a regular basis, but they are also not something about which we should live in active denial. There are benefits to our lives and relationships to allow in the sadness of contemplating death from time to time. 

There is no need to think about these things deliberately or obsessively, but when life serves up the opportunity, we should consider how our limited time on earth can enrich our lives and relationships. Death is here whether we like it or not. We may as well increase our capacity to experience joy from its presence in our lives.