Sometimes, we need to lose on purpose to grow and become our best selves. The challenge rests in our natural aversion to loss. It’s hard enough when we have no choice, but choosing to lose is harder still.
We would never choose for our loved ones to die or to lose our home in a fire. But who among us has not delayed a life change longer than we should? At times, this occurs even in the most desperate situations. People often remain in abusive relationships. Those with addictions know how hard it is to pull away. In truth, this is a challenge for all of us.
The most common things we cling to are relationships, jobs, and limiting beliefs. It may be obvious that leaving an abusive relationship is the right thing but, often, much less than abuse should prompt us to leave.
Relationships, whether romantic, professional, or platonic, exist to enhance our lives and contribute to our growth. Oftentimes, a relationship that was positive at one point in our lives ceases to be so and becomes a hindrance to growth. But ending relationships is challenging because we remember the positives and have loyalty to the other person. We may feel we are at fault for the negative turn, and we struggle to understand how something that was once positive is no longer. The loss of relationships makes us feel we are losing part of ourselves, but at times this is precisely what is necessary for our continued personal and spiritual development.
The same can be said for professional positions. We may need to leave positions that were once instrumental to our growth. Life has seasons, and what may serve us in one may be an obstacle in another. We must know this from the start so we are ready to adjust when the time comes.
Finally, our beliefs need updating as we age and become more experienced. None of us will ever have everything figured out, but we tend to become wiser as life unfolds—if we allow ourselves to. The key is to avoid equating our beliefs with our identity. When we equate these, it becomes paralyzing because we see changing our minds as a threat to our very essence.
Values and beliefs are different and should be treated differently. Values are our basic attitudes about ethics and how to behave. They include honesty, loyalty, work ethic, and a growth mindset. Beliefs are what we think about how people and life work. Beliefs also include the actions we think should be taken to actualize our values.
To illustrate this, a value might be to care for those less fortunate, while a belief may be our specific positions about various social programs. Our beliefs can and should change as we encounter new evidence about what is best, while our basic values should change infrequently (if ever).
Values are so foundational that changing them represents a true change in who we are. Beliefs, on the other hand, are based on knowledge of the world, and this knowledge is always changing, so long as we are open to new evidence and experience.
We should be proactively seeking to update our beliefs by becoming more knowledgeable and informed. We do this by reading broadly and being genuinely open in conversations with people who think like us and differently from us. This is only possible when we are more dispassionate about our beliefs and recognize that they do not determine our identity.
How do we know when it’s time to give something up? There is no single answer for everyone in all situations. However, there are some clues we can use to suggest it is time. The most important clue is the inner voice telling us it is time to move on. We all have this voice, but we don’t often listen to it for two main reasons. We are afraid of the unknown, and we are afraid our inner voice is leading us astray.
Being afraid of the unknown is normal. We are hardwired to desire safety and security, and the illusion of certainty makes us feel safe. This often causes us to hold onto things no longer serving us materially or spiritually. Thus, we need to pay special attention to the inner voice that tells us change is necessary. Once we have paid close enough attention to hear that voice, we can evaluate whether we need to leave something behind or adjust in some other way to improve and grow. This will require honestly weighing whether a minor adjustment is needed or whether we need to part with something we once held dear.
Another tip to consider when it’s time to consider change, particularly when it comes to beliefs, is when our own beliefs make us feel uncomfortable. This is usually immediately followed by justification or an intense search to seek out confirmation for our preconceived notions. We can use this feeling as an opportunity to signal us to seek out confirming and disconfirming evidence at the same time. This can help us more honestly weigh whether it’s time for a belief update and use our discomfort to our benefit. Going through this process will take courage even if we decide an update is not needed, but the process itself will lead to a more honest, consonant life.
Next time you experience that discomfort calling out to you, listen to it. Embrace the loss intentionally if that is what’s called for. Rewards await you on the other side of the pain.
Hi Tzvi, I've been following your transition from Ro and it certainly has me thinking. I run a pharma startup and have reached an interesting junction myself. I would love to have a conversation about your experience if you're up for a friendly chat and some shared wisdom!